


Coming Alive

by WeWillBeFree



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Jack Kline, Asexuality, Asexuality being mistaken for trauma, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Coming out (sort of), Demisexual Castiel, Discussion of Past Abuse, Domesticity, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23262940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillBeFree/pseuds/WeWillBeFree
Summary: In the domesticity the Winchesters face after locking Chuck and Amara away and curing earth from most supenatural beings, Jack is slowly and painfully facing an issue he cannot work through by himself. Thankfully, his family is there to help him face his truth and coming to accept his own asexuality.
Relationships: background Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Coming Alive

**Author's Note:**

> First of, English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. Second, while the boys do stray away from the main topic quite often (I am a sucker for just normal, everyday situations and conversations between them), this fic is about Jack slowly coming to terms with his own asexuality. And I mean slowly. I´ve accepted my own asexuality a couple of months ago after years of struggling with the label and the implications it brought with it, and this fic is partly written because I wanted to explore the idea of how such a coming out to yourself process could take course if you had a family system as supportive as the Winchesters. Like I said, since I am asexual myself I hope to provide a realistic perspective of someone who´s just at the very beginning of figuring things out for themselves, and the reason I use the label per se not very explicitly, as well as his lack of sexual attraction first being misinterpreted by Jack as a result of trauma or as a result of him being a nephilim, mind you is a reflection of Jack´s mindset, not what asexuality actually is. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy the by far longest chapter I´ve ever written.

0

The Empty changes you. No matter what kind of things you went through in life, what abuse you suffered and what trauma you lived through, how many people you watched die and how many were killed by your own hands – no pain in the world compares to the absolute nothing that is the Empty.

It is the place for people who have no soul. Angels and demons usually, while whose who have corrupted theirs had to fight in Purgatory and whose who had decided to sell theirs for something that seemed like the most important thing at the moment had eternal hell to burn in. Whose who used to have a soul but threw it out carelessly, getting bit or infected or simply screwed over, they still got _something_ once their life was over. Whose who were created without one though, they had nothing waiting for them.

Jack had begun to think about it as a plot hole. A part of Chuck´s story that was written after the first couple chapters had already been published. Everything had to be in order, of course, and so everything needed to go somewhere. Things could not simply end, that would be illogical, and he had created a world in where logic was wearing a crown and time mostly flowed linear. So in the minds of people, heaven and hell were created. And later on purgatory, as the monsters started to populate earth and begun to question what were to happen to them once their time was to end. But angels never asked these kind of questions. It was disobedient, it was nonsense. They were immortal, they´d be there forever. And demons, while not as much driven by obedience, they didn´t dare to ask either. They looked around and all they could see was pain and no out for them or for those who were at mercy at their hands. Why ask about some future that might never come when you are sure there is no pretty answer, no paradise waiting for you?

The Empty was perfect for these kind of thoughts. There was no way to measure time, there was nowhere to go, nothing to look at. They only thing that would keep you entertained were your own thoughts. That is, if you were awake.

There had been moments when Jack wished he had been in hell instead, or in purgatory. Fighting, burning, anything would have been better than  _nothing._ And that is not something you come back from unchanged. It had broken something in Jack, just as much as it had healed other parts. True, he had been given back his soul and he had had the time to let his grace return naturally to him, without the timely restrictions a physical vessel would have brought with it. But sometimes, especially on evenings like this when he had no thing interesting enough to keep his mind from wandering off, he wondered if he had really come back like he had once been. If it had just been all that thinking and all the darkness and despair that had changed him, made him realize that there were still open questions, or if he truly crawled out of that hole with a crack in his soul. One that even now, nearly a year after having come back to life for a second and hopefully final time, would not properly heal. 

1

A soft knocking pulled Jack out of his thoughts and made him look up from his book.

"Come in", he answered, carefully closing it and laying it next to him on the bed. It was Castiel who opened the door, staying in the door frame, a brief smile lightning up his face. He did smile easier these days.

"I just wanted to tell you that Dean and I are going to head out for the rest of the evening. You´re going to be fine on your own?" Jack returned his smile, shifting against the headboard so that he could face him.

"Yeah, Castiel, I´m going to survive being on my own for a few hours, what with being an adult and all. And you know, being the most powerful being in this dimension, living in the most secure place on earth might help the chances that I won´t accidentally burn this place to the ground."

"Just wanted to make sure that you´re not going to be lonely. This steak house a couple towns over has newly opened and Dean´s been dying to go, but it´s going to be a bit of a drive, so you´re going to be by yourself for a couple hours.”

"Castiel, it really is okay", Jack reassured him. "If there is any kind of emergency I can´t handle on my own, I know where to find you. And Sam and Eileen live only about twenty minutes from here, they´d be here in a heartbeat if I needed the company. And also", he pointed to the foot of his bed, "isn´t that kinda the reason you guys got me Fae?" At hearing her name, the black and brown striped cat that had been sleeping on the foot of the bed lifted her head, letting out a deep yawn that showed two rows of small, sharp teeth, and searched the room with her eyes for possible treats.

"We didn´t so much get her for you as you managed to find the most run down cat on the side of the street and would not take No for an answer when we told you you couldn´t take her with you." Jack shrugged, reaching over to his nightstand to pull out a little bag of cat treats, throwing one onto the blanket next to her. It was devoured within moments.

"Yeah well, it didn´t even take a second to cure Dean´s allergies, did it now? And also don´t behave like part of the reason you let me keep her wasn´t so that you could actually see that I had my soul back, empathy and all. After what happened with the snake." With apparently no more treats following the first, and nobody making a move to get up and pet her, Fae took it upon herself to stand up, stretch, and walk over to Jack´s lap, where she plopped down and reached her chin high into the air, demanding it to be scratched.

"No doubt there", Cas agreed, a smile back on his face, as Jack obeyed her wish, gently stroking her back with his free hand. A loud purr was the answer, the former feral undoubtedly enjoying all the attention. "I´ll leave you to it then. And don´t study too hard, try to get some sleep, okay?" Jack nodded, not in the mood to start up the same discussion again. He did not really need more than two hours of sleep a night, and while he enjoyed sleeping in occasionally, with exam season coming up, he´d rather spend the extra hours studying. Especially considering that it was his first semester and he was about to write his very first exams ever.

"Sure thing. Just gotta finish the chapter and I´m done for tonight. You and Dean have nice date." Castiel looked puzzled.

"I never said it was a date." Jack couldn´t help himself but grin, only briefly looking up, giving Castiel a once-over, before returning his attention back to the pet.

"I don´t see a trenchcoat anywhere near you. Must be a real fancy place Dean takes you to if you´re willing to leave it at home.”

Castiel scratched his neck, unconsciously taking a step into the room, looking down at himself. He had ditched both of the top layers he usually wore, as well as the tie, and had traded it for a light blue dress shirt. “Is it that obvious?”

Jack shrugged, no longer trying to hide his smile. “You two have been acting so weird around each other a few weeks back that I was worried there was some big apocalyptic secret you were hiding from me or something. I mean, you could basically cut the tension with a knife between you two. And then one morning it was all smiles and you seemed more relaxed than I´ve ever seen you before. If we wouldn´t have locked away the Thing that ruled the Empty together with Chuck and Amara, I would have been worried it would have chosen that moment to come and get you.”

Castiel shifted from one foot to the other, a subtle gesture for human eyes, but Jack had learned to read the body language of his closest family members very well the last few months, and he could see clear as day that this was something Castiel was uncomfortable to talk about, but needed and wanted to get out nevertheless. It was a sentiment Jack understood.

“This still doesn´t prove that it has anything to do with Dean though”, the angel finally said, trying to stop fidgeting and failing miserably. Jack´s smile widened.

“Castiel, I saw you two kiss the other day. And it´s fine, I´m happy for you.” He made sure to hold eye contact to show how sincere he was, but he couldn´t help to add a little snide. “I mean, still pretty gross, but not as gross as I would have imagined it to be.”

Castiel shot him a look that clearly translated into something like _In some way, I am still your father, so don´t you dare ridicule me,_ but he took the humor for what it was – a mechanism to make this easier on both of them.

“You really don´t mind?”, he had to reassure himself, watching as the smile on Jack´s face slowly faded. “Because to be honest, Dean and I thought about how we could tell you for some time now and we didn´t really come up with a solution which Dean didn´t deem to much of a chick-flick moment.” He rolled his eyes, but only a little. And in that exact moment Jack could see all of the adoration Castiel had for the other man and he came to ask himself how he could not have seen it so much earlier.

“There´s nothing wrong with a bit of sentimentality”, Jack answered, shifting where he was sitting into a more comfortable position. “And even if it would have felt a little weird, so what? Most conversations I have are a little awkward.” Castiel had to smile a bit at that, and Jack mirrored it. “I much prefer directness, to speak the truth. Just be honest with me guys. After all, that´s what you always tell me, right? To tell you what is up with me, to – what was it exactly you told me? To find a solution for what can be fixed, to celebrate what you can by happy about and to grieve alongside you for what is lost?”

Castiel nodded at that, staring at the ground, reflecting on his own words, repeated by his kid. “I did say that, and I mean it. I want you to feel like you´re able to talk about anything with us, and we should feel the same about you. And so even though you already know, I am telling you now.” At this, he raised his chin and looked Jack square in the eyes, determination written all over his face, over how he held himself. It only lasted a second though, replaced by the softness that comes alongside with a new love. “Dean and I are together. We´ve been dating for a few weeks and we are very happy about it. And we want you to be happy for us, too, because even if we know that this must be weird for you, seeing two members of your family getting together like this, I´ll reassure you that this will not change anything on how big of a part you play in this family, or of your welcome in the bunker or any of the sorts. You are our kid, first and foremost, and your opinion is really important to both of us.” Castiel licked his lips in a nervous gesture he had copied from his boyfriend. “Dean would tell you the same thing were he here right now and not probably also starving. But it matters a lot to us that you´re okay with this. With us.”

Jack nodded, sitting up a bit straighter, not letting Castiel simmer in his anxiety a moment longer than absolutely necessary. “Of course I am okay with it, Castiel, more than that. I am happy for you, really really happy.” A sincere smile appeared on his face, and he could see how Castiel visibly relaxed under his words. “Really, I believe this was only a question of time, and I´m happy you two found the courage to talk it out. Sam and I´ve been speculating how much longer you will longingly stare at each other from the distance until the head of either of you will explode.”

Castiel sighed, rubbing his forehead. “So Sam knows too already?” Jack nodded as an answer. “Well, great. Dean really wanted to tell him personally.”

“Yeah, maybe in a million years”, Jack muttered under his breath, but the angel of course still heard it. He shot him a glance that was as dad-like as anything Jack had experienced in his life so far, but decided to let it go.

Both of the men looked away, suddenly an awkward silence filling the space between them, neither one truly knowing what to say next. Finally, Castiel broke the silence by taking a step back towards the door. “I guess I should go now, I just wanted to let you know that we´ll be gone for a little while and to not wait up. If I´m not out there in five minutes, I´m afraid Dean will leave without me and have a nice date alone, just him and the steak.”

Jack shot him a tired look and a small smile, still buried deep in thought apparently. Castiel nodded, turned around and made a move to close the door behind him, as suddenly Jack interfered, his tone bordering on frantic.

“Castiel, can I ask you one more thing? Because we said to be completely honest if something is bothering us?” The angel turned back around, eyeing Jack. He was visibly tense, and sitting perfectly straight on the bed, fingers scratching at the holes in his jeans. Castiel nodded, urging him to go on. “When you came back from the Empty, did you feel”, he hesitated, not being able to find the right word, “different?”

“Different how, exactly?”, Cas frowned and stepped back into Jack´s room, closing the door behind him. The atmosphere in the room had changed from one moment to the next, suddenly feeling tense. Something important was about to be said, that much Castiel could feel, grace or not.

“Like”, Jack took a deep breath, internally cursing himself for not having prepared this conversation better. He had yearned to talk about this for months, but never had found the right moment, and now when he and the only other person who ever had come back from the Empty were free to talk, his mind was, well, empty. “Like you have so much time to think down there, right? And even with Billy visiting sometimes, I was mostly by myself with nothing much to do except to think. And down there I´ve realized that in all that has been happening I never really stopped to just sit down and figure things out, you know? Everything went so fast, it had to – I had to grow up fast, to learn how to use my powers, how to fight, which side to stand on, how to be a person, how to be normal while at the same time having all this responsibility, and then there was Apocalypse world and suddenly I was out of there and trying to kill Lucifer and after that I was pretty busy with not dying and once I had lost my soul nothing much mattered anyway. So in the like two years I lived I never really took the time to figure myself out. And down there, with nothing to occupy my mind, I just realized how little I actually knew about myself and how much I just pretended to know so that I´d survive.”

Castiel had started to look more and more worried the longer Jack had spoken. He couldn´t remember the last time he had heard a monologue like this – usually they were reserved for life or death situations, for one final motivational speech. This on the other hand sounded like something Jack had wanted to get off his mind for months.

Slowly, as if not to spook the kid which had grown seemingly more aggravated while talking, Castiel sat down next to him. Jack didn´t return his gaze and instead kept his eyes locked on a point on the floor. At some point he had stopped petting his cat, and now his hand laid still on her back in a manner she surely would not accept for long.

“I never thought about how difficult that must have been for you.” Jack looked up, only briefly, before turning away again, surprised by the gentleness in Castiel´s tone. As if he had expected a scolding for showing so much emotion. It broke Castiel´s heart. “I know you had to grow up fast – even though I never knew what that was like. I too never had a childhood, I always was. I came into existence and my place in the world was already determined. But all I had to do was function within a system, there was no time or place to think about who I actually wanted to be, if I could live up to the expectations. There was no discussion about it. But you were not really part of anything. Everybody had all these wrong expectations about you before you were even born and in those first few months you did nothing much but try to convince the people around you that you deserved to live. I can see how that can scar a person.”

“It´s not just that.” Jack picked at a loose threat on his pillow case, stubbornly keeping his gaze away from Castiel. “I talked about the whole childhood thing with my therapist and she advised me to talk with Sam and Dean about it.” Castiel smiled, looking down to where the little brown cat tried to climb off Jack´s lap, obviously bored now that she had lost his attention.

“I guess they are the experts when it comes to short childhoods which are filled with unrealistic expectations”, he agreed. That finally coerced a smile out of Jack, too.

“Yeah, well, so that kinda helped. Figuring out what went wrong in the past, how I can keep moving. But what is actually worse than having no time to figure yourself out, is having way too much time to figure yourself out.”

Castiel tried to form a reply, but the right words would not come to him. When he had been awoken, back in the Empty, he had been hellbent on getting out of there as fast as possible. Ever since he had first fallen, he hadn´t been good with too much free time on his hands and nothing to do but to think. That´s why hunting had worked out so well for him, even when he was away from the brothers. Lately though, with both Chuck and Amara trapped in what would be their forever prison, all monsters in this dimension eliminated and the gates of Heaven and Hell firmly locked, there was not much to hunt but the occasional spirit. It was why he had finally been able to catch a breath long enough to ask Dean out, the reason why Sam and Eileen had been able to rent a house a couple miles away, the reason Jack had started college a few months prior. But it was also why in the darkest hours of the night, when Dean was sound asleep and nothing but a brown and black kitten haunted the halls of the bunker, Castiel had to fight hard to keep the thoughts away. It was the reason why he had picked up reading, listening to music on Dean´s Ipod, occasionally having late-night talks with Jack in the kitchen over a cup of tea when the nephilim has had plenty of sleep already. But those nights don´t compare to what the Empty was like. No way to go, no distraction at hand.

“So what did you figure out?”, he finally managed. It was not enough, it didn´t nearly portray the sympathy Castiel felt for his son. But it was clear as day that were was something specific Jack had wanted to talk about. He was not the kind of guy who´d start a philosophical discussion in the door frame just because.

“Just”, Jack hesitated and fell silent. He reached out to stroke his cat´s back as it stoked over to the side of the bed Cas´ sat on and sniffed his fingers. Castiel let her and after a few moments, she rubbed her little head against his hand, demanding it to be petted. Castiel obeyed, gently stroking her ears and down her neck, petting the soft white fur of her chest. Fae let herself fall onto her side and rolled onto her back and the purring sounds became louder once Castiel started to pet the soft fur of her belly.

“It´s not that- I mean, there is this girl in one of my classes – I can´t talk about this.” Jack buried his head in his hands, embarrassment coloring his cheeks. “You´re like my dad, I cannot have this kind of conversation with you."

“If it´s that kind of conversation, I´m sure Dean would have a lot more to say about it-”

“No”, Jack nearly yelled, jumping up and quickly crossing his room until he was in the furthest away corner. Like a threatened animal, Castiel thought. “It´s not like that! And anyway, that´s a talk he and I had months ago.”

“Oh, okay”, Castiel cocked his head in curiosity. “I didn´t know that. Well, I guess I should be glad it wasn´t me who had to do it.”

“Yeah, no”, Jack shook his head as if the pure thought of having Castiel of all people explain sex to him was something he wanted to shake off as fast as possible, “don´t worry about that. It´s not about the whole _how_ thing. Sam had that explained plenty.” Castiel stopped stroking the cat´s belly for a moment as he wondered if he heard right, and got a low and angry growl for it.

“I thought you said Dean talked to you.”

“He tried”, Jack answered, pacing around his room. “Tried to kill me with embarrassment, that is. Sam joined halfway in and took over.”

This time around, Castiel could not force the smile down. “What a hero.” He said it jokingly, but only meant it halfway so. He remembered the first time he thought he would die for sure and Dean took him out to “enjoy” his last night on earth. It had been the day he learned not to talk to people about their father issues. A lesson he occasionally needed to be reminded of.

“So if it´s not the how, when what is it you´ve been thinking so much about?”, he tried to get back on track.

Jack stopped pacing and for the first time since their conversation had truly started, dared to look Castiel in the eye. He only managed to hold his gaze for a couple moments, before he sat down on the edge of his desk and nervously rubbed his hands over his jeans.

“I want to-”, he paused, took a deep breath and looked up, as if he expected to find the answer there. “I want to say _why,_ but that doesn´t sound right either. I do know why people have sex. Technically, that is. It just...doesn´t make sense to me.”

Castiel hesitated and briefly looked over to the closed door. Thoughts of fleeing occupied his mind. But this was his kid, too, and for some reason Jack had thought of him as the most competent of the three of them to have this conversation with.

“When you say it doesn´t make sense to you – do you think it is a nephilim thing?”

“Maybe. It´s not like I can compare notes about being half this, half that with anyone.”

“Is your therapist any help with this? She seemed to be very competent and...understanding. When we talked to her.” Which had been a huge relief on the entire family. Finding a therapist that was married to a hunter and therefore knew the life had been anything but easy. Dr. Cook had specialized in treating supernatural creatures once she had opened her own office, having discovered a gap in the system. There were so many supernatural beings that dealt with trauma and the pure everyday struggle to survive and stay hidden from day to day that getting an appointment with her hadn´t been easy. But it had been one of those instances the Winchester name had come in handy and a long forgotten favor from John to her husband had been finally reciprocated.

“Maybe. But even with all of her knowledge of the Supernatural, she has never treated a nephilim before. When it comes to my biology, and how it may factor into my behavior, she does not know more than we do. But actually, I think it has more to do with the Empty.”

Jack looked up briefly, capturing Castiel´s gaze. There was as much space between the two men as the room let them have, and yet Jack felt like he was suffocating. Like he had no point to even start trying to explain what was wrong.

“You think you not understanding certain human wants has to do with trauma?”, Castiel asked. He had gotten better talking about these kind of things lately. Trauma and PTSD and the occasional depressive episode. Mostly he had had these kind of conversations with Sam and Eileen, but with every passing week that the sky didn´t fall onto them and no ethereal entity making a move to come back to life, Dean relaxed a little more. And while he was still a long way from talking freely about his emotions, they had taken the first couple steps. And now it was only fair that Cas had such open conversations as well. Because even while he wanted nothing more than to wrap the kid up in a blanket and never let him leave his sight ever again, he knew that this wasn´t what Jack needed. He struggled, like all of them, and letting him talk it out with his therapist while being mute about it at home with his family wasn´t right. He´d like to pretend everything was okay, that his son had no trauma, no issues. But it wasn´t fair to him.

“Yes. No. I don´t know.” Jack rubbed his face, trying to find an answer where none was. Clearly sensing her owner´s distress, Fae climbed off of Cas´ lap and jumped off the bed, padding over where Jack leaned against his desk, face hidden in his hands. In an attempt to regain his attention, she stood up on her hindpaws, balancing against Jack´s knees and letting out the most agitated meow one could imagine. She sounded like she hadn´t been fed for weeks and now was kicked and abandoned by the human she once trusted. So much betrayal laid in that one sound that neither Castiel nor Jack could help themselves but smile.

“Oh, I´m sorry. Did you not have all the attention of the room on you for a moment there?” Jack chuckled and bent down to pick her up and set her onto his shoulder where she immediately started to rub her face against his cheek.

“She knows when you´re distressed”, Castiel commented.

“She´s better than any service dog could ever be, that´s for sure”, Jack smiled and tickled her between the ears. “Nothing´s more thankful than a rescue.”

Neither of the men had anything left to say at that moment and so both, angel and nephilim, kept quiet for a few minutes, simply enjoying each other´s presence and reviewing what had been said while a deep, satisfied purring sound filled the room. It was finally Cas who broke the silence.

“So, I guess I should go take a look whether Dean has already left without me because I kept him waiting for so long.” He stood up and habitually tried to rearrange the trenchcoat he wasn´t wearing.

“You did make him wait fifteen minutes for steak”, Jack answered. “Chances are high that if you don´t go right now, trenchcoat or not, this will be your last date.” He was joking of course, but there was a distance in his voice that told the angel he was not fully there.

“We talk about this later, okay? I am not letting this fall under the table.” He took a deep breath. “This is important. And so whenever you are ready to talk again, we can talk. Just come and find me. Got it?”

“Even if it makes you uncomfortable?”

“Especially if it makes me uncomfortable. That´s what family is there for as well, right?” They smiled at each other, their eyes locked, bathing in one of their rare father-son-moments.

“Thank you, Castiel. I´ll, uh. I think I´ve done enough talking for one day though, I should get back to my studying.” With the hand he wasn´t using to support the car on his shoulder, he gestured over to the bed where his textbook and notes laid open. “And you should go back to Dean. I´ll take the full blame should he complain.”

Castiel opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment they were interrupted by the familiar sound of the Impala´s horn. While the garage was far enough away that humans could not pick up the sounds, the more subtle hearing of both angel and nephilim picked up on it loud and clear.

“I guess that´s my cue”, Castiel apologized. “See you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Sam and Eileen planned to come over for lunch and it is my turn to cook.” It was moments like these Castiel found himself extremely glad he didn´t particularly enjoy eating anyway and could excuse himself. God knew the boy had enough other stuff to focus on, but no matter how many times Dean tried to teach him the basics of cooking, it didn´t seem to stick.

“Sounds good. Have a nice evening, don´t study too hard. And you too”, he petted the cat who lifted her head up from Jack´s shoulder. “Have a nice evening that is. Not the studying part.” They looked at each other for a moment – angel, nephilim and cat, and broke into laughter at the same time at Castiel´s awkwardness. He and Jack, that is. The cat did nothing but blink slowly and tried to go back to sleep on a very shaky shoulder.

2

“Need a hand with that?”

Jack looked down at the pot he was scrubbing and shrugged. “It´s okay, you already cooked.”

“Nah, it´s fine.” Dean grabbed himself a dish towel and started drying off the clean plates which were stuck neatly on top of each other next to the kitchen sink. “I feel bad if I let you do all the work by yourself if it´s only the two of us here. Also you helped me cook, so if anything, this makes us even.”

“I cut the bell peppers and the sweet potatoes, I don´t think that qualifies as actual cooking”, Jack argued and put the clean pot next to Dean´s hand.

“Yeah well, without you I don´t think there would have been any vegetables at all. And everybody has to start somewhere. Cutting things into little pieces ain´t the worst place for that.”

“I suck at cooking.” Jack looked up from the sink and met Dean´s gaze. “You´re just trying to be nice about it. And before you say anything, I know that I completely burnt that meal I tried to cook for the five of us last week.”

“And I still ate every piece of it”, Dean grinned. Jack shook his head and went back to trying to scrub the grease off the bottom of the pan. He was smart enough not to tell Dean that this was not necessarily an argument that held any value regading his cooking skills.

“And also”, Dean continued, opening a drawer to put away their cutlery, “you are by far not the worst cook in here. When Sammy started cooking I ate burnt scrambled eggs for months because I didn´t have the heart to tell the kid that he had no talent. And every time Cas puts something together I can be glad if it doesn´t accidentally turns out to be poisonous.” He paused. “Except for that sandwich this one time. Never had one like that ever again.” Dean stared off into space for a few moments, lost somewhere deep in memory, dreaming of the most perfect sandwich he ever has had and which his boyfriend had since been unable to recreate. Apparently, insanity comes along with a bit of memory loss.

“Cas doesn´t eat. If he can´t cook, that´s not a big deal”, Jack argued, partly to get Dean back to reality.

“It is for the rest of us that do eat. I can´t be the only one who knows how to prepare a decent meal in this house. Nah, I had that my entire life. And now that Sammy´s all grown up and moved out, it´s time to teach the new generation.” He gestured into Jack´s direction with the knife he was drying off who couldn´t help but smile. A year and half ago, having such a casual conversation with Dean would not have been possible.

“Speaking of Sam, you heard anything new? Shouldn´t he and Castiel be back soon?”

“Yeah, Cas called earlier and it seems like they´re going to be in Montana a little while longer. Apparently it´s not just one ghost but a whole tragic family thing and their graves are scattered all around. It´s gonna take them a while to find them all to salt and burn. A week max though.”

Jack nodded, placing the last dish on the counter and put the water to cold, rinsed his own hands off the dish soap. “Nothing dangerous though? They sure it´s just a salt and burn?”

“What else could it be?” Dean leaned back on the counter, watching the kid clean up. “There ain´t no more monsters around, everything that was supernatural and not explicitly barred by us from the spell has either been tuned human again or gone to purgatory. All that´s still around are a couple of witches and of course the occasional ghost. Can´t do much against those, I guess.”

“There´s still Garth and his family. And Castiel. And me.” Jack focused on his hands, drying off the area around the sink, carefully avoiding meeting Dean´s eyes.

“That makes what? Five werewolves, an angel with nearly no grace left and one nephilim that is currently cleaning my kitchen? I think I can handle that.” There was a smile audible in Dean´s voice, but Jack knew that things still felt off, for all of them, but especially for Dean. While he had hunted all his life to protect people and to rid this earth of those creatures who wanted to do nothing but cause pain, actually winning the battle and not having anything left to hunt had not been something that the Winchesters had actually anticipated. And in Dean´s case, it had left him feeling a bit useless.

“Don´t mention the nearly no grace thing to Castiel, okay? I don´t think he´s handling it as well as he wants us to think he does.” Dean nodded, lost in thought, as he moved so that Jack could wipe off the counter he had been leaning on.

“I think so too. That´s the reason I sent both him and Sam on the case. Cas still hasn´t got the best feeling for how much power he has in certain situations, and Sam is so rusty from not hunting in months that he certainly will need the help.”

Worry appeared on Jack´s face. “You still think they´re safe though?”

“Hell yeah.” At this, Dean actually managed a laugh. “Dude, we managed to lock away both God and the Darkness forever while maintaining the balance of the universe. I think the two of them can handle burning a couple of bones up in Great Falls.”

Jack smiled and hung up the used dish towels to dry. After everything they´d been through, after the big show down none of them thought they´d survive, normalcy was the thing they had all needed time to adjust to. And yet here they were. About a year down the road and able to joke about it.

“So I´m done here. Guess you can try to teach me again this evening?”

“Yeah, about that”, Dean rubbed his neck and looked over to where Jack stood. “The reason I actually came here was to ask if you wanted to grab some food in the city tonight. Not that I don´t like cooking with you or anything, but I thought since Sam and Cas are going to be gone for a few more days. Dunno. Could spend some good old family bonding time together. Talk some, you know. What´d´ya thinking?”

Jack practically beamed at the suggestion. “I´d love that.”

“Yeah?” Dean sounded oddly surprised, as if he hadn´t realized yet how much Jack still yearned for his affection.

“Yeah”, he smiled. “What time do you want to go?”

“I thought around seven, so it´s still bright outside. That okay?”

“Sure”, Jack agreed, trying not to bounce. “I, uh, gotta go then. It´s time to feed Fae anyways.”

“Alright, just keep that thing away from my stuff. Don´t want her hair all over my clothes.”

Jack smiled, knowing that no spell in this world would stop his cat from finding a freshly washed pile of clothes and deciding that this would be her bed from now on. “You´re not allergic against her anymore”, he reminded him as they exited the kitchen.

“Still weird. Never met a friendly cat in my entire life, can´t really see that happening now.” Jack rolled his eyes as they split in the hallway to go into their respective rooms. He had not told Dean about the instance he had caught him asleep in the common area a month ago, a small brown, black and white bundle of fur curled into a tight ball on his lap with a protective arm put around her, sheltering her from the outside world.

Late that day, Jack stepped into the garage and was welcomed by a bunch of keys being thrown into his general direction. The nephilim caught them with ease and shot Dean, who was already leaning against the Impala´s passenger door despite him being a few minutes early, a surprising look.

“You drive”, his unsaid question was answered, as Dean opened the door on his side and got in, with Jack slowly following.

“I´ve only ever driven once before, you really think this is a good idea?”, he asked, sliding onto the bench next to him and carefully closing the door behind him.

“Last time I let you, you were a few days away from dying. I thought maybe we shouldn´t wait until then again”, Dean shrugged. Only he managed to make talking about their repeating deaths sound so casual. “And anyways, it is a good skill to possess in life, something that´s part of adulthood and all. And no, being able to freaking teleport anywhere does not mean you won´t need to know how to drive a car”, he continued before Jack could interrupt. “You remember what I taught you last time?” Jack nodded. “Okay then, head out. Same burger joint as last time, okay?” He took a deep breath and out of the corner of his eye Jack could see Dean grinding his teeth as he turned the key and the Impala came to life. “Slowly, okay?”

They had been on the road for about ten minutes, Jack still not a very sure driver, especially now that there were other cars on the road, and he had listened to Dean´s instructions carefully. Now the car was filled with a comfortable silence, only interrupted by the radio turned to low volume.

“So, uh, Jack. There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

He nodded, his eyes fixed on the road straight ahead, determined not to loose his concentration. If he would do so much as scratch Baby, this would be the last instance he would ever see this car from the inside again, Jack knew. “I figured.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean”, he paused to signal and took a turn, slower than the car had probably been driven for many years. “You helped me with the dishes, you invited me out for dinner. I figured there was something specific you wanted to talk about, outside of just spending time with me. But since you´re letting me drive your car, I figured it must be something important.” He shot him a quick look. “Am I in some sort of trouble? Dean?”

“No, no, of course not.” He shook his head and looked down, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “´s nothing serious. Actually, uh. Cas asked me to talk to you about this a couple days back because he somehow got stuck on this topic.”

“Stuck?” Jack´s brow furrowed, but his eyes didn´t leave the road for a moment.

“He told me about how you and him talked about two weeks ago and it seemed really important, but he was kinda in a rush because of, well, me. And he offered you to go find him if you wanna talk about it some more? But you didn´t."

“I see. Did he tell you what we talked about exactly?”, Jack asked warily.

“Nah, no details.” Dean shot him a look. “He´d never rat you out or anything. Doesn´t spill secrets. He just made it sound like it was something that would not go away on its own.”

“And so he asked you to talk to me?” Jack pulled into the parking lot of the small burger joint he had only ever visited once before and that was well visited now during dinner time.

“No, but I can be a good dad, too! You can talk to me about stuff.” Dean grinned, but Jack could tell there was only a hint of teasing in his voice. The offer was sincere. Jack was still contemplating if he should react to the dad comment – after all, despite clearly being part of the family, they had never explicitly talked about the dynamics between the four of them, especially not with Dean there – as Dean destroyed the moment. “So there´s a girl, yes?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Let´s just go grab the food.”

They left the car, slammed the doors shut simultaneously, and went to wait in line. Jack kept gnawing on his lip, shooting Dean nervous side glances, as if he kept expecting being forced to expose all of his deepest and darkest secrets right there and then. Dean on the other hand was more focused on ordering the greasiest thing they had on the menu and scanning the crowd around them. He had developed early on a good intuition when it was save to talk in public and when someone around them tried to eavesdrop. You could not talk about ghosts and demons and stuff when being surrounded by nosy soccer-moms. But today´s customers all looked rather busy with themselves, most of them either were there with their own kids and spouses, others returning from a long shift on their way home and just picking up a quick bite. A clerk at the counter nodded to Dean, recognizing him as a regular. Jack kept staring at a point on the floor, barely looking up as Dean handed him his burger. Slowly, they walked back to the car, avoiding the crowded eating area.

“You know”, Jack finally interrupted the silence as he leaned onto the Impala´s hood next to Dean, who had already begun digging in, “it´s kind of a waste of money, feeding me three times a day. That´s how much food I´d usually would need in a week to sustain me.”

Dean looked quickly around if anyone was in hearing distance, but the parking lot was mostly empty, and Jack had talked quietly. “Food´s never a waste”, he answered gruffly, mouth half full. He swallowed, recognizing Jack´s badly concealed disgusted look from the corner of his eyes. “Especially not if it´s for you. You don´t just eat to stay alive, kid. Tell me you don´t enjoy this”, he gestured in the direction of Jack´s burger, stuffed with greens and weird smelling cheese.

Jack shrugged. “I do, to be honest.”

“See, there we go.”

The rest of their meal was spend in silence, but it was not as tense as before. Dean finished his dinner within minutes, slowly sipping his beer while Jack took his time. It made Dean smile a little, knowing the kid never much had to fear when the next meal would come, how much time he´d have to finish this one before they had to keep going, before somebody else would decide that that´s all the food he needed to get that day. He had never wanted for his own kids to know the hunger or restlessness he grew up with. He had managed halfway with Sam, made him see food as something to be cherished and to be enjoyed instead of something to simply get whenever he could because it may be the last meal for a long time, something that was so installed in his very being that it was hard to get out of his systems even now, when he was equipped with a shiny black credit card that made sure that his fridge would never have to be empty. But when it came to Jack, he had made sure that there was no stress when it came to food, ever. Of course it was made easier regarding the fact that the kid technically didn´t need nearly as much food as a human would. And yet Dean made sure that the nephilim shared at least one meal a day with some of his family.

Finally, his own empty bottle and food trash long discarded, Jack too crunched up the wrapper his burger had been it. Dean took in the relaxed position, leaning against Baby´s hood, shoulders no longer cramped, eyes wandering over the families and couples enjoying their meals while the sun slowly started to set.

“Look”, he took up the conversation once again, “I am not trying to back you into a corner. Hell knows, not a thousand black dogs could have made me talk about this stuff with my old man when I was your age.”

“Four?”, Jack joked, looking over and meeting Dean´s eyes for the first time since they had gotten here.

“You know what I mean”, Dean shot him down. “Look, I am not trying to humiliate you or like, force all the details about your love life outta you. With the way I grew up, I know how important privacy is. I just want you to know that if there is something you, uh”, he took a deep breath and started over. “Whatever concerns you. We´re here for you. Just wanted to let you know.”

Jack was silent for a long moment and the nervousness in Dean rose. He still wasn´t the best when it came to moments like these – moments of soft reassurances, of finding the right words, of not being a douche because people sometimes needed to talk about their goddamn feelings.

But finally Jack nodded, and Dean relaxed slightly. “I, uh. Appreciate the offer. And you know, there is some stuff that´s...not easy to explain.” Jack looked straight ahead, focusing on a point on the horizon, knowing that if he would so much as glance into Dean´s direction, all his courage would leave him immediately.

Dean waited patiently, but nothing more came. He cleared his throat, trying his hardest not to make this more awkward than it had to be. “You wanna head back home? I always find it easier to talk when I´m driving. Hell, ask Sam. It´s pretty much how we had any difficult conversation ever.” This made Jack chuckle, and he agreed. Deliberately, Dean once again took the passenger´s seat, a bit calmer now after Jack had not totaled the car on the way here.

The first few minutes were once again spent in silence, Dean hellbent on not being the one breaking it this time, letting the kid instead come to him. And really, after a mere five minutes on the way, Jack started talking again, his eyes never leaving the road.

“I don´t think I feel things like I am supposed to”, he admitted, nervously glancing at his passenger, checking for a reaction, anything that would give away how he felt about this first confession. But if Dean had any strong opinions about it, he didn´t let it show. So Jack once again swallowed his pride, tried to ignore the awkwardness of the entire situation. “I figured it was because I was a nephilim and there is not a lot I can compare myself to, you know? Like maybe being like this is my default setting.” He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry as a desert. “Like maybe it´s a security setting installed in people of my species, so we wouldn´t procreate and spread our grace all over. And then I thought it may have just been that I was not that much into her as she was into me or it was my nerves or I was just overthinking. But it wasn´t”, here he paused again, unconsciously speeding up a bit as they followed the highway that would lead them out of the city. “It wasn´t that she wasn´t pretty or like there was physically anything wrong”, at this point he felt himself blush, but he kept his eyes straight on the road ahead and thankfully, so did Dean, “it was just like my head wasn´t really in it. And then I thought it was because it had been a girl, and I figured that if I, if I´d try it with a guy instead”, he felt Dean´s gaze on him and a short glance to the passenger side confirmed that Dean´s eyebrows had nearly disappeared under his hair. “But that didn´t feel right either”, Jack concluded, letting out a deep breath he had been holding the entire time.

It was just the time he slowed down and smoothly rolled onto the well hidden exit that would lead them to the bunker. Nobody said a word, but the silence in the car felt less heavy than before, as a beginning had been made.

Jack bit his tongue, trying to find his courage once again. A last thesis, a solution he was scared of but needed to present if he wanted to be completely honest. Maybe the least embarrassing thing to say out loud, but the one that haunted him the most. “Or perhaps it has something to do with my time spent in the Empty”, he said between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I feel like I´ve left a part of myself down there, you know? Like it didn´t want to let go off me completely and part of me, of my soul, something, is still down there, slowly disintegrating while I am up here, incomplete. All...wrong. Empty.”

The car came to stand. They had come home. A few moments passed, as if Dean wanted to make sure that Jack was done, that he was not interrupting the young man´s thought process. But when he decided to speak up, he turned around in his seat to face Jack, looking him straight in the eye, and letting him experience the entire phenomenon of a Winchester that is hellbent on getting something right.

“Okay, first of all, there ain´t nothing wrong about you, kid.” He saw that Jack wanted to interrupt him and quickly interfered. “Nothing, believe me. First time I met you, I thought there was not a good bone in your body, and I was damn wrong. Then, after we brought you back and your soul was all messed up, we didn´t question it for far too long because we were just too damn happy to have you back. But I´ll be damned if I make that mistake a third time.” Dean had slightly leaned over in his seat, towering over Jack who, even if he had wanted to move, felt like he didn´t have it in him. Neither man so much as wasted a thought on exiting the parked car. “Castiel has been in the Empty, too. Sam has been in Hell, so have I, and Purgatory. It always feels like you leave something behind. The first months after I came back from Hell, I felt like I had left my humanity down there. Like I could never really look at a person ever again and not have thoughts about how to cause them the most pain, how to pry their muscles and veins apart. When Sam got his soul back he had left in the Cage, he didn´t feel like it fit him anymore. He told me it felt all overwhelming and odd, like a transplant that didn´t want to catch on. When Cas left the Empty, he was so disturbed, he refused to talk more than five words in a row. But in the end, none of it stuck. I can look at people again without thinking about torturing them, Sam shows on an everyday basis how much fucking soul he has, and Cas”, at this point a smirk appeared on Dean´s face, “well, I can´t say he´s the biggest talker now, but he´s nowhere near that terrified bundle of anxiety he was.”

“But Dean”, Jack finally interrupted, seeing his chance as the other man finally needed to take a breath, “you are taking about months. I´ve been back for nearly a year.”

“So?”, Dean shrugged. “Trauma doesn´t have a deadline. Hell, I still wake up screaming sometimes at night because I dreamed of meat hooks, and for me it´s been over a decade. There´s just no way anybody can tell themselves _Okay, it´s been six months since that catastrophic thing happened to me, time to finally feel like myself again and have no trouble at all_ and have that actually working out for them. Aren´t you the one studying psychology?”

“First semester”, Jack muttered, looking down at his lap, the spell of Dean´s intense gaze finally broken. “So you think it´s only a matter of time for me? That I simply haven´t worked through things properly and with time and therapy these feelings, whatever they´re supposed to feel like, are going to arise?”

“No”, Dean answered, leaning back against the passenger´s door. Jack´s head shot up.

“No?”, he asked shocked.

Dean shook his head. “I really don´t. And not because I think you´re a hopeless case and never will be a healthy, happy human. Person, whatever. But because I don´t believe that what we were talking about earlier is trauma. Now, if we´re talking sex drive, that can be trauma related. God knows Sammy didn´t want any for months after Jess died and dude was about your age.”

“Dean!”, Jack exclaimed, leaning back as well, bringing as much space between the two of them as he could. And despite the seriousness of their conversation, Dean couldn´t help but laugh. There had been very few moments he had felt more like a dad than right there and then.

“Relax, there´s not going to be any details. What I wanted to say is that I don´t think this is what we´re talking about anyway. You said it was more of a head thing, right?” Jack nodded.

Dean averted his gaze, letting it drift around the brightly lit garage, clearly thinking very hard about something Jack wasn´t sure he wanted to know about.

“I know you probably don´t want to hear about this”, Dean finally said after a long minute of nothing, gnawing on his bottom lip, “considering that we´re like your dads. But here goes nothing I guess.” He shot Jack a stern look. “Don´t tell Cas I told you this, okay?”

Jack nodded. “If you keep to yourself what I told you tonight.”

Dean smiled a little and agreed. He leaned back against the inside of the car door a bit more comfortably, nestling in as much as a man of his height could, before he kept on talking. “Then I first met Castiel, he was like this, too. It´s not like we were close or anything, but dude just never showed any interest in anything besides his job. And that´s just what angels were like back then, you know? Good little soldiers, every action partaken in the name of God, not really caring about how humans ticked or mingling with them. And it wasn´t weird or anything, this was just what he was like, right? Like if he wouldn´t be on his job, he´d just stand motionlessly in a dark corner. But then he fell. He became more human, he actually showed interest in getting to know Sam and me, in eventually becoming part of our family. He showed interest in humanity as a whole, he suddenly found us fascinating where others of his kind only saw a bunch of hairless apes.” Dean wrinkled his forehead, clearly having a very specific memory in mind. “He wanted to know more about how we function, the way we express emotion and interact with one another. And I know none of this is relevant to you, Jack, but just wait a moment, yeah?”, he interrupted himself as he saw that the kid wanted to say something. As he was sure to have Jack´s complete concentration once again, he continued. “But as much as he was interested in humankind now, he wasn´t really interested in interacting with them per se, he preferred to learn just by watching them. And then there was the night where we both thought we wouldn´t live to see the morning and I took him along to this strip club. No no no, wait a moment.” Jack had scrambled up in his seat and frantically tried to unlock his door.

“You were right, this really is not something I want to hear about.”

“Wait.” Dean reached out to pull Jack, who had one leg already outside, back into the car, but stopped short of touching him. “No details, I promise. Nothing disgusting happening.” He held up his hands as to show off his honesty and slowly, Jack settled back down again, his expression still full of hesitation and ready to flee the moment he would have to listen to something he´d never be able to forget again. “So anyway”, Dean continued, relaxing back into his seat, hoping the kid would do the same, “I thought I was doing him a favor. Thought he could use a little fun at the end of a life filled with nothing but duty. I´ll never forgot how terrified he looked after I tried setting him up.” A low chuckle escaped Dean´s throat, his thoughts buried somewhere deep in the past, years before Jack had been even so much as an idea. “He didn´t go through with it. Would never have even been in that spot if I wouldn´t have dragged him. That night he told me he didn´t understand what had went wrong, why his conversation skills had failed him so badly.” Jack raised an eyebrow in a puzzled look. “Dude suggested that it was her dad leaving that made her work there.” Dean shook his head, amusement clear in his voice. “First thing I should have taught him, nobody likes to be reminded of their father issues.”

Jack rolled his eyes, but he couldn´t hide that a small smile had found its way on his face as well. “I´m the last person you gotta tell.” Dean shot him an amused look.

“Right. Anyways, I was talking about that night with him a few months back, wallowing in memories and all that crap”, and probably drunk, Jack thought to himself, “and I laughed about how he had so little cue what not so say to humans.”

“I´m sure he appreciated that”, Jack said without even trying to hide the sarcasm. Dean laughed.

“He reminded me of the time he had been powerless and I called him a baby in a trenchcoat, right in front of Sam and Bobby. Didn´t talk to me more than thee sentences in a month. Guess when you´re immortal you can really hold a grudge for a long time, huh.”

“Admit it, we´re all babies to you, no matter how powerful or immortal.” They shared an amused smile and the last bit of awkwardness left the small space surrounding them. Jack felt himself relax into his seat a bit more, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders.

“Always. So, the point is, he told me he actually knew pretty well that talking about her dad would get him kicked out. Said that he had had the same experience trying to talk bad about my dad in front of me.” Dean grimaced. “Looking back, he was actually pretty smart about it. He wanted to find a way out of that room without me getting angry or trying to set him up with somebody else. He fucking humored me, we had more fun that evening than I have had in months.”

“So”, Jack hesitated, playing with the zipper of his jacket, his gaze adverted, “he purposefully got himself out of that club.” Dean nodded, staring out of the front window. “But why?”

Dean shrugged. “Dude didn´t want to be there. Said he didn´t feel any attraction towards the girl, didn´t feel right doing something regardless. It mad me suspect that maybe the issue had been that it had been a girl – same like you.” Jack shrunk into himself a bit more, being reminded of the topic on hand. “But he never showed any interest in me, or Sam, or anybody in that matter.”

“Maybe you just weren´t his type”, Jack muttered, not daring to look up.

“Nah”, Dean answered with a grin, “that couldn´t have been it. Not even including what´s going on these days, but that was a decade ago. You know how pretty we were back then? No way he could have been into dudes back then and not make a move on me.”

Jack shook his head at so much overconfidence, but at the same time it made him smile, too. He knew that this was just Dean´s usual smugness, that he didn´t truly believe in his words and just wanted to make this conversation easier for the two of them. And he appreciated the effort, he really did.

“But he´s into you now.” Dean hummed, enjoying the scope of the argument.

“People change, you know?”, he finally answered. “I asked him something similar and I am not sure I understood it exactly, to be honest.” He glanced at Jack from the corner of his eyes, but he wouldn´t look up from where he still kept his hands busy playing with the zipper of his jacket. “I am not that good with all this touchy-feely-stuff. But what I understood from what he told me is that yes, were had been a profound bond between him and I ever since he pulled me out of Hell. But there had been nothing...sexual about it.” Dean took a deep breath, suddenly founding it difficult to speak about a topic he had never experienced any shame in before. But then again, this time around he wasn´t talking about some nameless blonde, but his boyfriend. “I always regarded Cas as something separate than just being part of my family. But he was never really boyfriend-material, you know? I loved him, but I wasn´t in love with him.”

“Until you were”, Jack finished his sentence, and Dean nodded.

“Until I was. Took me a long time though, and it did for him as well.”

Silence filled the car once again, although this time around there was no awkwardness, no anxiety, just two men deeply buried in their own thoughts.

“So”, Jack began after a few minutes had gone by, “what you´re telling me is all I have to do is wait? That these sort of feelings will come to me in time?”

Dean hummed, uncertainty being written in the creases of his face. “Maybe. Maybe it really is just a matter of time. Like maybe this is an angel-thing, you know? Something to do with your grace, being a tad bit different from other people and therefore needing more time to be able to feel these things towards them.”

“Hopefully that means I´ll only need half as long as Castiel then, considering I am only half angel. A decade sounds like awfully long time.”

Hearing this, Dean sighed, combing his fingers trough the short hair on his neck. “I don´t know, kid. Honestly, I am just spit balling here. At the end of the day, that´s something you gotta figure out yourself. Maybe talk to Cas some more, see if he can help you out if it´s really a grace thing. Or talk to Sam, he´s the perfect guy to talk to if you wanna figure out what the hell it is you´re feeling. All I can tell you is what I think, and I don´t believe this has anything to do with the Empty or with your soul or being broken or traumatized.” Recognizing the seriousness in Dean´s voice for what it was, Jack couldn´t help himself but look up and meet Dean´s gaze. The hunter was slightly leaning forward, just short of entering Jack´s personal space. “There is not a single damn thing wrong with you, kid. And if it bothers you so much that you don´t feel the way you think you should in this particular area of your life, all of us are gonna make damn sure that you´re going to find a way to resolve it.”

“And if there is no resolve?”, Jack asked before he could stop himself. Panic flooded his voice, having spoken out loud the one question whose answer he was most terrified of.

Dean pressed his lips together, brow furrowing, taking a few seconds to think about an answer. Whatever it would be, Jack knew, it would be honest. No fake comfort, trying to calm him down making empty promises, but the truth of how Dean Winchester actually regarded this matter. And an answer he got.

“Then we´ll help you accept that, too.”

They kept sitting in the Impala for a few more minutes, but no more than a few words were shared between the two men. Instead, each one was trapped in his own head, trying to make sense of the knowledge that had been shared between them on this day. Jack made Dean promise not to tell anyone in their little family about what they had discussed, and Dean in return made him promise that Jack wouldn´t do it like him and bottle up his emotions until they´d be too strong to keep holding them in, but instead to come and talk to any of them if he needed to do so again.

Dean would eventually exit the car first, clapping a hand on Jack´s shoulder in a comforting gesture, before he would return to his room. Jack on the other hand would keep sitting in the driver´s seat for a long time, mulling over everything that had been said.

3

The bunker was empty but for Jack who had decided to stay behind while Dean and Castiel investigated what looked like a coven in Nebraska that had made it his mission to reopen the Gates of Hell. He had been offered to join, but recognizing the gleam in Dean´s eyes that accompanied the idea of an actual hunt, the first one that would not be a simple salt-and-burn in quite some time, he had decided to leave it to the two older hunters, promising that if they needed help, he´d only be a phone call away.

For now, he had taken advantage of being alone in the spacious room of the common area instead of being hauled up in his own room, as well as having all his exams for this semester behind him and truly nothing specific to focus on – something he had a hard time remembering when it had happened before.

It was the third day of the hunt and Jack had received a text that it probably would be some more time, since the coven was bigger and better organized than originally thought, but on proposing that he´d join, Castiel had reassured him that they got it handled. Jack would never say it out loud, but sometimes he thought that the former angel made it more difficult for himself than it had to be, still trying to proof that even with only very little of his grace left, he could fight whatever the universe would fling at them by himself. Secretly, Jack had laid a protection spell on the two of them the day they had left that at the same time would serve as an alarm would anything go wrong. Castiel may not have been able to properly fly anymore, but if the spell would alarm Jack that any of the two were harmed anything beyond a scratch, he´d be there in a heartbeat, and no coven, no matter how persistent, could take it up against an angry nephilim.

Last resort, though. He did want them to succeed on their own, and a successful hunt would lift everybody´s spirit.

Jack had been mostly hauled up in the library, sick of reading both textbooks for his studies and the lore that the Men of Letters had provided for research purposes. Instead, he had lately taken an interest in a part of the library that in the last few months had become Castiel´s own personal little heaven. Not having to sleep per se while not having something that needed tending to 24 hours a day, had awoken Castiel´s passion for reading, both fiction and non-fiction. Jack never had him seen watching television outside of family movie nights, but had been told by both Sam and Dean that certain things Castiel had tended to enjoy in a too great extent in the past, he trended to avoid all together these days. Probably the same reason he´s never seen him eat a hamburger before, but rather joined Sam in his salads.

The arrange of books Castiel had accumulated and thumbed through in the past year was a clear sign of his newfound passion, and so was the care that had gone into rearranging some solid bookshelves where they had not been needed – left over from when many irreplaceable books had been destroyed by the Stein family – and filling them in a way that in its range of topics and genres made it look like a shrunken down bookstore.

For the first two days on his own, Jack had barely left the comfortable armchair which had been one of the first things Castiel had added to the space, reading through an admirable number of books mostly recommended to him by the younger Winchester brother. Having no youth meant he had barely consumed any culture at all, but he quickly had strained away from the classics and gotten lost in Castiel´s fair share of second-hand crime thrillers. However, when the door to the bunker opened for the first time in days, letting some much needed oxygen in, Jack was sitting not in but next to the armchair, leaning against the only piece of wall bare of bookshelves, legs crossed and eyes closed.

Sam didn´t spot him until he had closed the door behind him and was already half way down the stairs to the common room, but then he did see him, he slowed down, coming to a stop shortly before entering the joined area. He was fairly sure that the nephilim had heard him enter, both because the front door didn´t shut silently and because if not his hunter instincts, than at least his grace would detect his presence. But Jack didn´t move at all and so Sam was stranded watching him in utter silence, taking in the picture he was painting.

A golden ball of light floated closely above Jacks head, its beams stretching down to reach the nephilim´s head and shoulders and where it touched him, the gold seemed to enter his person, flowing down his entire bodies in even waves all the way down to his fingertips. A second ball of light slowly spun around itself directly in the space in front of the middle of Jack´s chest, apparently catching the light from above and evenly spreading it throughout his form. As Sam cautiously stepped closer, he watched the gold flow a bit slower through Jack, mirroring his deep breaths. The ball of light in the middle of his chest began to turn a little slower, too, slowly absorbing the light in the body, becoming bigger and brighter with each breath. Only as all light had left Jack´s form and the globe was at its brightest, the beams of the one above his head started to slowly fade and it started to sink down. Sam watched captivated how it joined the other source of light, how it gleamed brightly in the dimly lit room, how it expanded one last time as Jack breathed in – and how it slowly faded as the nephilim opened his eyes and fixated his visitor.

For a few moments, neither of the men spoke a single word, Sam clearly at loss for them. But then Jack smiled and slowly got up, stretching his limbs in one fluid motion.

“Hey, Sam. Checking in if I´m still alive?”, he asked teasingly.

“Y-yeah”, he answered, eyes fixed on a point between Jack´s shoulder blades as he had turned around and was headed to the kitchen. Sam stood there paralyzed, too dumbfounded to understand what he had just witnessed, until he found it in him to follow Jack. He found him leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping a glass of water, and looking like nothing unusual had just happened. He clearly had been gone for far too long, Sam thought. That´s what happens once you leave these idiots by themselves.

“Jack - what just happened?”, he asked, walking down the steps into the kitchen.

“Just some meditation”, Jack shrugged and put his empty glass in the sink. “You actually were the one who suggested it a few months ago and I found this app with really good mindfulness meditations. Usually it´s simply a visualization technique, but apparently then I have this kind of focus on something I am imagining happening, sometimes it materializes.”

“So you´re saying that just happens? You just sit down to mediate and this light appears around you?” Sam didn´t want to sound suspicious, but he couldn´t help himself since all his hunter senses had tingled at the sight of those light globs. As beautiful as the spectacle had been, something like this was not supposed to happen involuntarily.

“Sam”, Jack started while he tried to not sound defensive where the other one had sounded distrustful, “it is nothing to worry about, okay? It´s just my grace manifesting, it´s not dangerous. The opposite, actually. When my grace flows like this – from my head, over to my soul and spreading all throughout my body – it means it is in tune with me. It is at peace.” He shrugged once more. “It´s like a check-up basically. As long as everything is golden and keeps flowing, all´s good. You did not want to see what it looked like when I had no soul, there was no peace in there.”

Sam nodded, trying to understand. From growing up as a hunter, as well as having grown up with a brother who often said the first thing that came to his mind, he had learned not to spit out the first thing that came to his mind, but to first try to understand, to actually have something to say before making a judgment. This was not something he understood in its full range – Jack´s grace was still a mysterious thing, even after having the kid in their life for four years. But he had said that it was okay, that this was how he tuned in with himself, therefore it didn´t propose a threat, even if it was not completely understood by Sam. For once, it was not his job to understand.

“I get it”, Sam nodded, stepping a bit closer, watching how Jack visibly relaxed as no harsh critic was coming. “And I am sorry I interrupted you, that looked like a peaceful moment. I should have called beforehand.”

Jack smiled. “It´s okay. Even though you´re not living here anymore, this is still your home. And anyway, I was nearly done then you came in, I just didn´t want to end it a minute before I would have done it anyway. Been sitting there for an hour, I can barely feel my legs anymore.”

“Then how about a walk?”, Sam suggested. “I got Nova with me, and both she and I need the exercise.”

“And Dean wrote you that I was here all alone and probably haven´t left the bunker for the past three days”, Jack concluded, although with a smile.

“No”, Sam argued, withstanding the look Jack shot him, at least for a few moments, before he broke under it and laughed a bit. “Cas did though.”

That only made Jack smile wider. “In that case, let´s not disappoint them. Shall we?” And together they walked back up to the common room and up the stairs that would leave to the outside world, Jack grabbing his jacket on the way out.

“You know, you could have brought Nova in, right? I know Dean has a theoretical no-pets-allowed rule, but ever since we got Fae, he eased up a bit. Truth be told, he secretly loves her even more than I do.”

“Still can´t believe you cured him from his allergy, just like that. Or that none of us ever thought of it before.” He looked around searchingly. “Where is that cat anyway?”

“Probably on the top of a bookshelf, or some other high place where not even you can reach her”, Jack teased.

“Still doesn´t like me, huh?”

“Don´t take it personal, Sam. It´s just that you smell of dog.”

Stepping out of the bunker, they were welcomed by the bark of a black and white Sheppard mix which excitedly jumped up from where she had been laying in the sun and came over to nudge her snout against her owner´s hand. Jack tentatively reached out a hand which she briefly sniffed and then turned around, walking towards the half-hidden pathway that would lead them away from the bunker.

“I don´t think your pet likes me either”, Jack stated with a somber expression.

“Don´t take it personal”, Sam smiled. “It´s just that you smell of cat.”

“Fair enough.” Sam whistled and Nova came running back to them, making a careful detour around Jack. “I don´t get it, she´s usually not that cold with people.”

“That´s because she probably remembers the last time she was here and had a run-in with Fae. That cat nearly cost her an eye. Such a small thing and yet so determined to go up against a dog ten times he size. You sure she´s not actually feral?”

Jack shrugged, fighting against the urge to defend his pet with more aggression than necessary. He knew Sam was just doing the same, looking out for his dog. “You can ask Dean, it´s his lap she sleeps in most days.” That actually made Sam laugh, and with the dog running ahead of them, they followed her in a comfortable speed away from the bustling of the nearby town and towards where the tree population grew more dense, only leaving behind a few man-made paths, just wide enough for the two men to walk side by side.

A few minutes passed by and the only other person they had passed had been another dog walker with a very rude bulldog that had been yanking on its leash as it had spotted Nova who, like the diva she was, had ignored it completely, making as big a curve around it as the path allowed. Jack had shoved his fists deep into the pockets of his jacket, the cold wind pulling on his collar and roughing up his hair – although it was nothing compared to what it did to Sam who constantly had to push loose strands behind his ears to be able to see where he stepped. The silence was not uncomfortable per se, but after the talks he has had recently with the other members of his family, Jack felt ready to dive right in.

“So I guess Dean told you?” He didn´t look up from where he had his eyes fixed on the exited dog who was bringing them what looked like the biggest branch laying around. Sam didn´t answer immediately, instead wrestling it out between he teeth and throwing it as far as he could, the dog enthusiastically running after.

“Told me about what?” Jack shot him a short glance to see if Sam was messing with him, but there was nothing but genuine curiosity in his expression to be found.

“You know. What he and I´ve been talking about last week. Figured he´d tell you so that you can do your thing and be the Voice of Reason or something.” Sam chuckled at that, but he knew what Jack meant. He had lived alone with Dean, and occasionally Castiel, for a long enough time to know that sometimes they lacked a bit of focus in their conversational skills.

“Do you need a Voice of Reason, Jack?”, he asked, mirroring the capitalization that had been very audible in Jack´s question.

He shrugged. “I guess so. Dunno. Just that stuff still doesn´t really make sense, even after talking to Dean and Castiel about it.” As Nova came trudging back to them this time, it was Jack´s instead of Sam´s hand she gently nudged, and smiling he took the branch from her with the easy strength others often forgot he had, and threw it for her to catch, far wider than her owner before him.

“Well, whatever it is you´ve been discussing with these two, they haven´t told me anything. They´d never talk about something you´d want to keep private from other people.”

“Even if other people means you?”

Sam nodded. “Even then. Although it does surprise me I don´t know what exactly we´re talking about, considering you´ve talked about it with my brother.” A short pause followed his statement, just long enough to make Jack worry he had offended the Winchester by talking to his brother first, then it was usually Sam most people would go to when they had an issue that included anything even remotely emotion-related.

“Is Dean so bad with keeping secrets?”, was what he finally asked though.

“Not necessarily”, Sam shook his head and a small yet bitter smile crept into his tone. “Hell, he has kept secrets for far longer than it was good.” Neither of them spoke the fallen angel´s name out loud, but both of them thought of it. “But that´s not a bad thing, I don´t think. If Dean would actually worry about you – like there would be something dangerous going on – he´d tell. So I guess him keeping your secrets for himself is definitely a progress.”

Jack scratched his neck, trying once again to stir away the conversation from his grace, his soul, any of the topics that had caused his family a lot of pain in the past. “Yeah, don´t worry about it, it´s not a soul thing or a grace thing or anything like that this time. It´s not even something supernatural.” Sam had been searching with his eyes the surrounding forest, looking for where his dog might have taken off, but all of the sudden Jack could feel his entire focus on him.

“Well now I´m intrigued. Really don´t wanna tell me?” He made it sound like friendly bickering, but Jack could clearly pick up the worried undertone shining through, even though he could not tell whether it came from a hunter´s or a parent´s perspective.

“No”, he answered without wasting a second thought on it, and immediately he felt like kicking himself. He had been so sure that Sam´s mission to get him out of the house, to spend some time with him, get him moving, to get some fresh air, had just been a plan to talk more about the issue he had been dealing with lately, and now he felt bad that he had thought that Sam had tried to trick him into talking with him when really all the man wanted was to spend some quality time with him. And make sure he didn´t start to collect dust while being on his own, which was fair enough. So Jack collected all the courage he could find in himself and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. Which he at once regretted, considering Sam´s reaction at his choice of words. “ I just thought that maybe Cas, but definitely Dean would tell, so that I´d get like a straight guy´s perspective on it or something like that.”

The words lingered between them for a few seconds, only interrupted by the sounds of the dog rustling through the coppice nearby. “Straight guy, huh?”, Sam asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear, this time around more a nervous gesture than a hopeless move against the wind. But he only needed a couple moments before he had found his composure once again, falling back into the role of a guardian he had so gladly taken on before anyone else had. “I mean, if that´s the perspective you think you need to shine light on anything, I´m glad to help out. I guess these sort of things can be...difficult. With only Dean and Cas around. Even though they both pretended to be straight for like forever. Who would have thought that it took not the end of the world for them to get around but actually just some peace and quiet?”

Jack exhaled slowly, his shoulders visibly lowering themselves as he released some of the tension he had held up to that moment. He was quick to pick up on the side topic Sam had offered him as a way to make this conversation less awkward. Something he lately went through displeasingly often.

“How do you think Dean kept it a secret for so long? I´ve been living alone with these two for barely four months and the bisexuality is basically oozing out of him.”

Sam laughed a little, without an ounce of discomfort. “It was never a secret, I don´t think. Sure, Dean never used the word, but he and I both always knew. It just was never important, you know? Being a hunter, a good son, the best older brother he could be, Team Free Will, all that? It is his identity. His sexuality is not more important for him than his preference in any kind of area. Hell, he´d probably identify more with his love for bacon-cheeseburgers than his attraction to other guys. Although I do have the impression that that changed a little ever since, well, everything changed.”

The winkles on his forehead and around his eyes became a little deeper at that and reminded Jack how much life had already been lived by this man. He himself may only be four years old, but he did consider his life fairly eventful. Compared with all Sam had seen and done though, with all the change he had experienced, including the one just last year where nearly everything he had spend all his life fighting for had been accomplished – Jack could barely imagine what a lifetime spend like this, seeing the one major goal he had had for all of his life actually being accomplished, would feel like.

Sam, oblivious to Jack´s thoughts about him, continued. “With God and the closed Gates and the monsters gone and me having moved out and nothing horrible to focus on for once in his life, so that he can finally spare a couple of thoughts on what actually is between Cas and him, surely that must change how he thinks about himself, what he regards as important in his life.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “But then again, Dean never was a huge fan of labels anyway.”

“Why do you think that is?”, Jack asked, trying to get back into the situation, out of his head.

Sam threw him a long, unrequited look, as they both kept walking, the wind splashing the first few rain drops against their faces and zipped up jackets. “Survival mode would be my first answer. There is only so much you can spend your cognitive abilities on. Or maybe, and knowing my brother that´s what I think it rather is, this is just how he is. Unless there´s a problem, it needs no fixing. And it didn´t really have an impact on the way he lived anyways. That is until Cas appeared out of nowhere, of course.”

Jack buried his hands deeper into his pockets, feeling like this conversation would have worked out better if accompanied by a dry room and a hot cup of coffee. “But still, even after Chuck threw one apocalypse after the other onto you three, Dean never could spare a free weekend in over a decade to think about his feelings?”

“We´re talking about the same guy here, right? Sometimes I think he´d like to be back in hell more than to talk about his feelings.” Both of them smiled a little at that, sadness underlying the bickering as they were reminded of one of the many terrors one of their family members had gone through. “But even if he would have figured out that Castiel was it for him right from the beginning, it´s not like it would have led anywhere. Sure, they always shared a profound bond, or whatever you might want to call it, but until recently Castiel didn´t really make any inclinations that his feelings might be anything but platonic. If Dean had made a move on him ten years ago, or five, or maybe even last one, it probably would not have led to where they are now.”

Jack hesitated, wondering if it might be appropriate to keep asking questions, to keep nagging, when this was not really his cup of tea. And yet he could not find it in him to drop the topic. Something told him that there was something more there, that if he asked the right questions an answer would be given to him that would be more profound than just the casual talk he and Sam pretended to have. And because Jack never really did learn when it was best to stop asking questions, respect other people´s privacy, he didn´t drop it. “But I don´t understand what it was then that Castiel felt towards Dean. Because _profound bond_ does not really sound platonic.”

Sam picked up on Jack´s confusion and just like the kid had been reminded of Sam´s age and, more importantly, his experience in the real world just moments ago, so was Sam now reminded of how little time Jack actually had spend around so far, how few people he had met, how much more to learn about humanity there was. When he smiled this time, there was no sadness there, only fondness about how much life the kid still had ahead of him – so much more than most people – and how much he would still be able to learn about, how much he could tell him about and teach him. Growing up, Sam had always been the one looking up to his older, wiser relatives, and finally not being the youngest in his family system anymore, instead having someone he could teach and dump his knowledge on - it warmed him from the inside.

“There are more things between heaven and hell than platonic feelings and romantic attraction. Or any kind of attraction for that matter. If you think that Dean being bi was impossible to miss, you could basically sense Castiel´s asexuality five miles against the wind. I thought for the longest time he was aromantic, too, that´s the reason I never encouraged Dean to make a move on him. Didn´t want him to get his heart broken. Thankfully, he came around in the end. Or no, that´s not correct. I was wrong, ultimately.”

It was this exact moment that fate decided to let the storm that had been building up all day break loose and within seconds both men were drenched to skin. Nova came sprinting back to them, branches and trees to sniff and mark completely forgotten, and without any verbal exchange needed, they turned around and hurried back the same way that had lead them there, the dirt path dissolving under their feet.

The door to the bunker opened silently, and only after they had stepped in and closed it behind them did they realize how loud the wind and the rain truly had been. Complete silence surrounded them, immobilizing Jack for a moment. How had he not felt the weight of this utter lack of noise before, the loneliness that crept up to him even now, with Sam right beside him? Or maybe these feelings had less to do with the noises of storm locked out and more with the shift Sam´s last words had brought with them. Jack didn´t understand the terms, the meaning behind the phrases, but some part of him had latched onto what Sam had said and not let go. There was some truth there to be found, and even if Jack wasn´t sure if it was his grace that had latched onto this knowledge that there was something hidden there, or if it had been his hunter intuition or something completely else. All he knew was that he had to try his hardest not to figuratively jump Sam and pressure him to tell him more right now until all of it made sense.

While Jack continued to stand stock still in the entrance way, all these thoughts racing through him and occupying his mind while Sam had already started ascending the steps, Nova made her presence known to them by shaking off the rain in her fur, drenching Jack and everything within a three feet radius in yet another wet layer. Sam, alarmed by the sound of wet splashing the walls and floor, turned around, an apology already on his lips as he watched Jack dry himself and his environment with a single thought. Sam willed his mouth to shut, trying not to stare too hard at the dry piece of floor where just a second ago a puddle of rain water smelling like dog had been. “Housework must have been real easy lately”, he murmured more to himself. Jack shrugged nonchalantly, finally coming back to reality and following Sam down the steps.

“Sometimes, but I don´t really do it a lot around Dean or Castiel. It kinda upsets Castiel, how easy my grace comes to me these days, and Dean´s not big on letting me slip chores. Says I´m missing out on building character.” And although he didn´t physically roll his eyes, the younger Winchester brother could hear it very clearly in his voice.

“Sounds like my brother.” He looked around the place, only just realizing that the neatness that usually had been contained to Dean´s room had spilled into other, more lived in corners of the bunker as well. “Seems to work, though.”

Jack walked past him, heading to the kitchen. “Dean likes things neat, so it´s really more work to leave them undone instead of just picking up after myself. And Castiel owns and uses so little things besides his books that he doesn´t really get the chance to leave behind dirty laundry or a used cup. That reminds me, you want something to drink? Coffee, tea?”

“Sure, tea sounds great. It feels like the sky is about to fall down out there”, Sam answered and followed suite, trying his best not to feel like a guest in his own home. Well, former home. After all, nobody had kicked him or Eileen out, it had been their decision to move out and try to make a place of their own, although just a couple miles down the road.

Jack hummed in agreement, filling the teapot and putting it on the stove. “I´d be the first one to know if that was the case”, he said, not looking Sam in the eye.

“You regularly check how things are going, or-?”

“Occasionally, although it is more to make sure that everything´s still how I´ve put it. I got an alarm set on the Gates of Heaven though. If someone so much as looks at them too long, I´ll be alerted. Don´t worry, Sam. Nobody will be able to open them, not ever again. Not as long as I am around.” He turned around, facing Sam, a calming smile on his face. “And I´m planning on being around for a very long time.” The two men kept eye contact for a little while longer until the words had properly sunken in and Sam slowly nodded, reassured. “Same with hell. I´m keeping close contact with Rowena and as far as she knows, there are very few demons that have any interest to come upstairs at the moment. And Rowena is not someone you can easily deceive. And even if she herself would change her mind, or if she´d be overthrown, nobody can open these Gates anymore.” Jack smiled again, this time a little sadness in it. “Nobody but me. And I am planning on staying put exactly where I am at the moment. I´ve seen enough of heaven and hell and everything else for an eternity, at least.”

It was this moment that the teapot started to rattle and Jack quickly took it off the stove and turned it off, filling a cup with the steaming liquid and a bag of Sam´s favorite tea, handing it to him. He took the offered cup by the handle, trying to overlook how the kid had just taken the cup by the side, apparently not even bothered by the temperature. Things always seemed a little more off once you didn´t experience them every day anymore. Nevertheless, he thanked Jack and cautiously took a sip, warming him from the inside. Only now Jack noticed the drained clothes of the other man and he was quick to apologize.

“The dog may not have gotten you, but the rain certainly did. You want me to dry you, too?” He gestured to Sam´s wet boots and jeans that clung to his legs in a manner that must be uncomfortable, but his offer was denied nevertheless. Jack didn´t feel hurt by it, he knew that Sam didn´t mean it as an offense to him or to his grace. It was just that the hunter was trying to live life with a little less magic, a little less supernatural in it for now, and if that meant risking getting a cold, than so be it. Although he hadn´t been sick a single time since Jack had been back, not since he and Dean had gotten their luck back. A spell so strong apparently that it didn´t need God´s permission anymore to work. Or maybe Jack had his hands in there a little bit, too, having had to watch how miserable the brothers had been for a couple of days after locking Chuck and Amara away for good, burning themselves on their coffee cups, running out of gas and stumbling over their own feet. So what if he had continued a few of the smaller spells Chuck had originally invented to keep the Winchester´s life running a bite more smoothly? Because even if overall Chuck had no clue how things truly worked when you were part of the picture – Sam and Dean had enough on their plates that they shouldn´t worry about dental checkups and food allergies. And if they kept having this sort of luck even now when their lives were as little dramatic as they had ever been before? Well, who said that they didn´t deserve it even more, slowly emerging into their well deserved early retirement.

Jack grabbed his own cup of tea and together they sat down on opposite sides of the kitchen table, stirring honey and sugar into their respective drinks. Nova came trotting in and sat down next to Sam, laying her head into his lap until he mindlessly started stroking her. The silence stretched on, only interrupted by the far away noise of thunder, so quiet through the thick walls of the bunker that it could have been imaginative.

Swallowing down a sip of what was mostly sickly sweet honey, Jack gathered all his courage and asked the question he had been denied earlier.

“You said something that I don´t understand”, he began, making Sam look up. “About Castiel not feeling like he does now about Dean. Something about not experiencing this kind of attraction.”

Jack kept his eyes carefully on a spot on the table right in front of him, and didn´t see the slow nod Sam gave him, thinking. “Yeah, you mean about him being asexual?” He hesitated for a short moment and then put his mug down. “Maybe I shouldn´t have thrown around terms like that, I sometimes forget that you are still kinda new.” Jack looked up, annoyance clear as day written all over his face, and Sam raised his hands in defense. “I am not saying young, or stupid, just that you have not been around for as many years as most other people and you still ought to stumble over new things here and there. I mean, it´d be kinda disappointing if you weren´t and knew everything there is to know about the world and the people in it already, wouldn´t it?

Jack shrugged. “I guess. Although I sometimes feel like I still have a very long way to go to understand even the basics of what makes humans tick.”

“Don´t we all to some degree.” Jack dropped his gaze and continue to fiddle with his spoon, hoping that he didn´t have to repeat the question. And thankfully, Sam obliged. “I am not sure it is my place to talk about something that is so obviously their own business. I never talked to Dean about him being bi until recently because he never wanted to, not after I asked him all these annoying questions when we were kids. This term I just used, I can explain it to you, but I don´t know if it´s okay to use it for someone who doesn´t use it for themselves. Cas didn´t seem to want any kind of label when it came to this sort of stuff, so me giving him one would be an unkind thing to do. So I guess you´d better ask him if you´re still keen on finding out why the two of them didn´t happen like a decade ago.”

Jack nodded, trying his best not to show his frustration. Here he was, back to talking to Castiel, after having to muster the courage to ask these kind of questions and get himself into these situations on three different occasions, and still not any smarter. Well, that wasn´t completely true anymore, was it? At least now he had a term. Something he could research.

The next hour was spent talking about all and nothing and a relaxing atmosphere finally arose between the two men. Eventually, Jack got up to make them another cup of tea as well as some sandwiches since it was dinner time for Sam and he, even if he would not admit that to any of his dads, actually had very much forgotten to eat anything in the past few days. And although his hunger was not obvious yet, those sandwiches tasted better than anything he had eaten in a long time, probably since the burger Dean had bought him a month prior. Maybe because of the added effect of eating with someone you felt connected to, to truly have time to appreciate the food, even if it was something as simple as a sandwich. Although simple may not be the right word, Jack used up pretty much every kind of vegetable he was able to find in the kitchen, as well as a very fancy dressing that was stored in the back of a drawer especially for when Sam came to visit, basically preparing him a salad between to pieces of bread. He seemed to appreciate the effort though, and even held back commenting on the mass of meat and cheese on Jack´s sandwich. It wasn´t like it could actually affect his health or anything, and with a warm feeling spreading in his chest, Sam remembered how Castiel had asked him to make sure that the kid ate something, whether he needed it so survive or not. Sometimes Jack was just so much the teenager he never had been allowed to be, spending days on end holed up in his room, gushing over his newest obsession and feeding himself only with chips and frozen pizza if left alone for too long.

In other areas though, he apparently was nothing like the typical teenager, Sam thought to himself, watching Jack with a grin as he had to stand on a stool to get a very angry cat off a bookshelf where she had been hissing at his dog for the past fifteen minutes, and put her on his lap, soothing her with chin rubs before she got any crazy ideas like trying to gauge Nova´s eyes out. Something that would not be her first attempt on the poor dog´s life.

They kept talking about dinner, about how Jack´s exams for his first semester at college had gone (he had sworn not to use his grace to cheat, and Sam believed him, knowing how many nights the kid had spent bent over his textbooks), how glad he was that he got along with the therapist Castiel had found him a couple months ago – a lady living in Miami whose husband had been a hunter who had been turned into a vampire a few years back after which she had made it her mission to help supernatural beings who were in psychological distress. So far, it was the only psychologist who had specialized in the treatment of supernatural beings, at least that the Winchesters knew of, but all three of them were thankful that she had taken Jack in, helped him with adjusting to the world around him, finding his place in it and working trough some of the stuff he had went through. In securing him a spot in her busy schedule it had helped a lot that he was the first nephilim she had ever encountered and she´d taken quiet some professional curiosity in him. Also that due to his flying capabilities he did not have to worry about endlessly long drives every week and ever since the Gates of Purgatory got closed up for good and Jack performed what was widely known as the Cure, turning everything that was mostly human back into actual humans, giving them back the purity of their souls, while banishing all that were too far gone (Wendigos and such a like) to purgatory to either perish or stalk their prey there forever, she had mostly been dealing with patients who struggled with their newfound humanity.

He and Sam talked a bit about Jack´s friends at school, about how he had thought about taking up some kind of sport, in addition to meditation and therapy to get some better control over his inner balance, about how he had planned to go see some new places before school started up again and he wanted to ask his family to tag along if there was no hunt awaiting them.

At the same time, Sam talked about how weird it was to be away from his brother, for the first time truly not because of some fallout, but because they both figured they had some growing to do, about how well things with Eileen went and how she herself had taken up evening classes to find something else to do with the time she had used for hunting prior to the Gates being shut. They talked about Garth who had called just the day before, and how difficult it was for his family to adjust, now that all their relatives were human and they were without a pack. But they had explicitly asked Jack, Castiel and the Winchesters to spare them from the Curse, leaving them be as they were. And they had obliged, naturally. They knew there was no harm to found in their household, knew there was no risk they would get others infected. The Supernatural had been banished once and for all, as far as it was able to be truly gone from the planes of earth, locked up just as tightly as God and the Darkness themselves. They didn´t talk about that though, didn´t talk about what nearly could have been the end, how Jack had played God, no, something more powerful than God, and had won a battle that could have easily meant the end of existence for all of them.

On this evening, with rain splattering on the well hidden doors of the bunker and only the light of the lamp on the table besides them illuminating the space, they talked about all the little things that made their lifes worthwhile, all the things that made them smile and laugh and sometimes be a little bit sad about. But they didn´t talk about the end of the world. And they didn´t talk about the other thing either, the secret hidden deep inside Jack´s chest, kept there precious and save until recently, for no one to observe and judge, not even himself, and newly let out free, still searching for a name itself, but slowly falling into the space it was meant to be in. Not to trap, not to identify. Not to isolate either. But to make it true, to let see Jack what was within him and to take it in his hands and give it a name and make it his truth and to let everybody he wanted to know see, and to hold it in his heart with truth. Because while he was still a long way from knowing what exactly he wanted in life, how things would develop, what exactly this meant for him – he knew that he was going to be okay. That he didn´t need to feel sexual attraction or the need to get close to another person to be complete. That it was neither an angel thing nor a trauma thing nor something that would certainly change over time. Maybe it would, if he´d find someone he shared a bond as profound with as Castiel and Dean did, if they would spend so much time together that they would grow closer than family and eventually fall in love – maybe these feelings he did not know until recently he were lacking would come. But even if they weren´t – he didn´t need them, for he already had all he needed in this world: People to turn to who would give their best to answer his questions, even if they didn´t know the answers themselves, even if his question was not clear. People who made time and sat down on the edge of his bed with him and comforted him even if that meant being late, providing support than he did not even know he needed. People who shared their most precious things with him, bought him the greasiest thing on the menu and got over their hatred for cheesy moments long enough to tell him that there was nothing wrong with him, that they will all love him nevertheless. And people who will simply made sure that he got some fresh air and and some food, who cast out the loneliness and provide words where he doesn´t have them. For Jack, this is more than enough.

And whatever will follow him from here on out, whatever he will eventually declare to be his truth – he knows they won´t question it, will not tell him that he´s too young to know, that this is no way to be, that he´s confused or broken or any of the other nasty things his traitorous heart has told him these last couple months. But instead that sometimes, the most forbidden thought is that in the end, we´re truly going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot more planned for this story actually, but somehow the ending just wrote itself. However, I am not done with this idea just yet and am going to continue Jack´s story in the next part of the series I decided to make this into. Might take a while, but at least while I am in quarantine (guess who was stupid enough to travel to a foreign country in the middle of a woldwide epidemic break out), I have time for writing. Comments are greatly appreciated.


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